Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in craig732's LiveJournal:

Friday, October 28th, 2005
3:56 am	Really fun game. http://www.nata2.info/humor/flash/pinguxtreme.swf There are no directions, so here they are: left mouse click once to launch and again to swing. My personal best is 1038.2 yards. Current Music: www.copcake.com (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
5:07 pm	The following comments about airport security were in the monthly "T-Shirt Hell" newsletter. I thought it was one of the funniest things I have ever read, so I post it here for everyone to read. But then again, my psychiatric medication sometimes skews my perceptions of what should be funny and what should not be funny, so if you do not find this funny then do not laugh: {Metal detectors are pointless and need to be eliminated altogether. What this will do is simply level the playing field. Right now hijackers have the advantage because they're the only ones who are armed. But if they look around and see a couple of old ladies with pistols, they might realize they're out-gunned, and sit back down. Even without modifications on the ground, I could increase in-flight safety dramatically with a handful of minor changes. The airlines need to have smoking hot stripper stewardesses serving bacon, and handing out free booze. They should provide high quality pornography for the in-flight entertainment, with complimentary lotion and tissues. Now take your Muslim extremist, with the pocketknife and a stick of dynamite up his ass, and put him on one of these flights. Try telling this guy,who's getting a lap dance from a hot stewardess while he eats a BLT and drinks a Jack and Coke, that if he blows up this plane he'll get passage to Paradise. As if 70 homely, sand encrusted, Muslim virgins that reek of camel piss can compare with this? You throw in a giant Toblerone when he lands and this guy will drop to his knees, praise Jesus, and sing, "God Bless America".} (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
4:03 am	Oprah's visit to hurricane ravaged New Orleans ifound this new peice about Oprah's visit to hurricane ravaged New Orleans amusing: Oprah Winfrey went down to the devastated area accompanied by truckloads of food. The evacuees were devastated to learn that the trucks merely contained Oprah's breakfast. At one point, Oprah tried to show solidarity with the refugees by sticking one of her enormous sausage legs into the flooded street. Water levels instantly rose 3 feet across New Orleans. Fortunately for everyone concerned, Stedman was able to coax her back into her bus by leaving a drippy trail of nachos up the stairs. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 21st, 2005
3:08 am	I finally got around to putting up a pool in my backyard on Monday. I bought it piece-by-piece over the summer, as I could not afford it all at once. I got a $500 pump motor for $231 on EBAY in May, a $350 filter for $187 in June also on EBAY, a $300 set of steps for $100 on EBAY, and a $800 pool for $600 (not on EBAY). If anyone is ever looking to buy a pool, the absolute best prices in the country are at Red's Pool Warehouse in Brooklyn. His prices are consistently 20-25% less expensive that anywhere else. So anyhow, my brother, my friend Nick, and I start out to attempt to build this pool, something none of us has ever done before. So I read the very confusing directions like 8 times, but I keep getting stuck on pages 5 & 6. Pages 1-4 are nothing but safety warnings. Yes, thank you for informing me not to use a hair dryer in the pool. So then page 5 shows the pool completely disassembled, then you turn the page and the picture on page 6 shows the whole pool built. Like fucking magic. They should have put in a "page 5a" that says, "then a miracle occurred." So we start winging it. Things are going well, but then we get to one point where I am completely baffled and have no idea what to do next. So of course my brother starts getting pissed off at me because I had told him that I had read the directions and so that means I am supposed to know everything, even the shit they neglected to mention in the instructions, like most of how to build the pool. So I tell him to stop arguing with me (hey, an argument with my brother, now there's a surprise!) and read the friggin directions himself to figure it out. Of course he refuses to look at them because that was my job, and I guess his job is to bust my balls so that is what he continues to do. So I told him it was time for him to go in the house, and he actually listened to me and left. Thank God. I guess he had been stifling my above average fluid intelligence, because as soon as he left everything became crystal clear to me and Nick and I finished the rest of the pool with little difficulty. It is a tiny but wonderful pool, only 8 foot across but 52 inches deep. Exercising in the pool is great. Before the winter we will buy a heater and use the pool year-round. So I am at work right now, and a lady tripped and fell and got hurt, so we called an ambulance. So the ambulance parks in the circular driveway of the hotel (blocking it) and goes to take care of this injured guest. So some dude (with a woman) comes to check in and pulls in behind the ambulance and wants to park his car in the valet parking lot but he wants to drive it himself because NO ONE drives his "baby". Okay, so right off the bat I have this guy pegged as an asshole. So I am extra nice to him, because I don't want him to turn his powers of asshole-ishness on me. I politely inform him the the valet parking driver is busy right now, but as soon as he is available he will accompany him to the parking lot. So the guy is okay with this, and just as I am about to congratulate myself for handling this asshole particularly well he says, "By the way, your driveway is blocked. That is illegal, you have to keep it open for emergency vehicles." So I look at the ambulance which is blocking the driveway, and I look at him, and I am trying to think of something intelligent to say, but all that comes to mind is, "That ambulance IS an emergency vehicle, you stupid fucking asshole!" So I inform him of this, only I say it very politely and I leave out the "stupid fucking asshole" part. But I guess it is difficult to point out something so blatantly obvious to someone without sounding a bit condescending, because the next thing he says to me is, "What are you, a fucking wise guy? Don't talk down to me, who the fuck do you think you are?" So I politely informed him that if one more curse word was uttered by him he would have to leave the hotel, and good luck finding a hotel room in Jamaica, Queens on a Saturday night. That shut him up. And it made me feel a little better that 2 other guests that were in the lobby at the time came over to compliment me on how well I handled this guy. Then about 15 minutes later the guy comes back to the lobby to apologize for how he behaved earlier. So I figure either his wife sent him down to apologize, or his Xanax kicked in and made him realize he was acting like an asshole. Anyway, got to go now... time for my nap! Current Mood: Sleepy Current Music: Modest Mouse - The Moon and Antarctica (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2005
2:39 am	Okay, I think I am getting the hang of this whole journal thing now. I guess I can leave out all the regular stuff I do everyday, like eating, sleeping, shitting, etc. unless one of those activities was more exciting than usual, although it has been many years since I have taken a really exciting crap. Living in an apartment as opposed to your own house can really suck sometimes, especially when you have an unreasonable landlord. My landlord is my brother, who is sometimes unreasonable. When we first moved in he was like, sure you can do anything you want here, make yourselves at home. Now, whenever we want to do something it gets questioned, and I am sure it actually has nothing to do with the actual task we want to perform rather than my brother's need to argue. For example, we wanted to get a new stove. All of our appliances are white, and the stove my brother supplied was beige. It was also filthy, I don't think he ever cleaned it. And two of the burners wouldn't light properly. In my opinion, these are three very valid reasons for getting a new stove. So I mention to my brother I am buying a new stove for the apartment. Of course an argument ensues, and he explains to me the reasons why I should keep the crappy, dirty old stove, his main arguing point being the stove is only 5 years old. His second arguing point being that he was able to scrape some of the greasy crud off the inside with just his finger (which is no surprise, since my girlfriend sprayed EZ Off inside the friggin thin 3 times in a futile attempt to clean it, and all he was really doing was removing the latest layer of EZ Off). And those are his only reasons as to why we should keep this piece of shit stove. So I am like, dude, just say thank you that I am buying a new stove for your apartment and leave me alone already. Then I made the mistake of mentioning to him that I was getting one of those microwave ovens that mounts above the stove instead of a range hood. Hoo boy, I should have known better. Now I have to suffer through, "What's wrong with the range hood that is already there?!" and, "Do you know how much work it was to cut that cabinet to size to make the current range hood fit?" Well anyone with a 3 digit IQ can just look a the filthy BEIGE range hood and immediately see what is wrong with it. But my girlfriend wisely intervened, gave me the eye and said, "Oh never mind, you are right, we will leave that one there." And immediately after he left she had me take the old one down and throw it in the garbage. So I compromised and instead of getting the microwave I just got a new white range hood. Maybe I will get lucky and he wont notice it. Okay this is getting long so I will stop bitching now. Current Mood: Groggy Current Music: Talking Heads, Psycho Killer (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 4th, 2005
3:42 am	Friggin Tired! Okay, I have been awake and at work since Tuesday morning at 7:00am. 45 hours. I am a wreck. I was able to sneak in a few 20 minute naps but that's about it. If I live through the drive home this morning I will get to sleep! Current Mood: Very friggin tired (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
11:03 am	Another rather uninteresting day. What I did yesterday: -Slept (not enough, only 10 hrs) -Ate -Shit -Watched Millionaire -Brushed my teeth -Went to work -Slept some more at work -Ate more at work -Moved my washing machine, dryer, and stove out of my kitchen so my brother can install carpet today. -Surfed the net, mostly reading on www.abovetopsecret.com about how the government conspired to cover up JFK's assassination. I highly suggest that everyone watch the Zapruder film frame by frame... you can clearly see a lot of people looking in a certain direction (where shots were heard coming from?) BEFORE the Warren Commission says the first shot was fired. It also absolutely refutes the "single bullet" or "magic bullet" theory, as you can clearly see that Governor Connelly was facing in the wrong direction for the same bullet that struck JFK to have struck him in all the placed he was hit. Even if you are not interested in all the conspiracy theory crap, it is still pretty cool to watch the huge spray of blood and brains as Kennedy's head is fucking blown apart! Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Talking Heads - Nothing but Flowers (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 1st, 2005
2:42 am	What I did today Today, like every other day in my life (except when I am on vacation), was rather boring. Well, that's not entirely true... what I mean is that to me it was great, but to anyone who reads this they will be like, "Oh, how boring." List of things I did today (not necessarily in order): -Slept a lot (14 hrs) -Ate -Shit -Watched on TV the only 4 TV shows that I ever watch: Millionaire, Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, and Battlestar Galactica. Thank God for Tivo. -Brushed my teeth -Ate -Anxiously awaited notification from my sister, ElaineTyger, as to whether or not Jesus' other eye opened. -Went to work -Slept some more at work -Ate more at work -Shit more at work -Spent the rest of the time at work that I wasn't sleeping, eating or shitting on the internet. I love my job. Current Mood: sleepy, as usual Current Music: Jimmy Buffett - Radio Margaritaville (1 Comment |Comment on this)